Spy Returns from Earth During Holiday Season

The board table was full and the room was packed, all attention focused on the agent, the spy returned from mission. Click here for English translation before proceeding. (Some eyes will automatically self-correct if a Zularian has been near you in the past 72 earth hours.)

"Agent Calmez, what do you report?" The room was so silent a falling strand of hair could have been heard.

"The aliens on the planet earth are too dangerous and most undesirable to commit to further investigation. They will have no time or space travel capabilities in the next 5 years..."

A gasp could be heard as the leader interrupted.

"FIVE years? I doubt the UNIVERSE will be around by then!" The room broke out into laughter. "Tell us more!" Someone shouted.

"The leaders there are ghastly creatures...oh, dear," Agent Calmez struggled with his words, "one year in their world is 556,968, 4976, 34256.6739876430 of ours. I spent three hideous days there, but I prepared long and am glad it is over and I will never need see them again. The most awful thing, please hold yourselves steady, they have a "back" side and out of this comes foul elimination of deadly food.

Two fainted in the middle of the room. "What is meant by a back side? Do you mean..."

"Yes, they are three dimensional in most respects and entertainment for them is staring at pre-dimensional representations of pixels and garftons. Their brains shut down to reality for a portion of each of their planets circling of their moon and they speak many different languages."

"On the same planet? Different languages? That explains much." said one onlooker.

"Even those who are not leaders do not speak so that others may understand, this causes them to be frequently feared and often eaten." A listener fainted to the floor with a scream.

"Agent Calmez."
"Yes, Your Leaderness."
"What motivates these, what did you call them? Human?"
"They have a belief system based on stories passed down through many earth years that activates the emotional centers in their brains. Their brains are huge, but function very poorly. Their design overall is barbaric. They remind me of a Blugrobiled Mugazat. They will destroy their earth very soon. They are constantly questioning all that is around them. Their most recent discovery is artificial life by making brain altering chemicals. Zombies is a word they use."

"Thank you, Agent. Go now and rest. Meeting adjourned."
"Thank you, Leader and Happy Holidays."
The room fell silent and all stopped in their tracks.
"Agent, what did you just say?"
"I, uh, oh no. I am so ashamed. That was spoken by the leaders so often yesterday. I am unsure of its meaning...but it made them smile and joy overcame them."
Alarms started going off in the room as all scrambled into the hallways and ran far away.
"No, no, please, your Leadership. It was just a slip. I never..."
With that, Agent Halfordersofftenlot Calmez died.

And to all a Good Night.