Doubting Your Brain. Are We Normal?

Now I am obsessing on my shrinking brain. This is what I have feared about writing about MS too much. My last MRI 2 years ago, it looked just as big to me, but my neuro was mad that I refused the contrast (even though none of my MRIs have it and THOSE neuroes could read them just fine, she is NOT young either, her office used to be next to my 15 year neuro who dumped his practice for Big Pharma), really didn't have two words to say about it. $%^&*

My mom having Alzheimer's was a shock, to everyone I think. Alzheimer's never took hold of anyone else in the family, and we have records of much older family members, like her brother (late 90s) and of course Aunt Vi (103). I read once, in college text (so it has been awhile) that one shares more genes with uncles and aunts than parents. I kept and reread that book for YEARS, trying to go with the concept...now I look at some of my nieces and nephews and I still am not so sure. I LOOK just like my mom and oldest brother. I really don't see myself in their kids. (I can't include the oldest brother because he married a woman who looked just like him.) I digress.

So I have MS, Mom has big A, I asked neuro is I was more at risk for getting Alzheimer's now, what with MS and all, he said no research proves that. (Good non-answer, and clearly how COULD he know? So little is known about both diseases.) My POINT is this: I find myself "checking" myself , judging myself, too often.

Am I slower at Jeopardy? (Stupid question since I only started watching the show about a year ago.) Am I slower at math? I used to be a quick calculator, just like Aunt Vi was to the end. Do I search more for the right word? Do I slur my speech? Why can't I remember what I had for dinner yesterday? What is that woman's name who moved in last week? Does the bridge trump go on left or right? Ya know what I mean?

This morning, just now, my youngest/new caregiver left. She finished with me in 30 minutes! Takes the others an hour. (Though I do feel rushed...why do I feel rushed? I felt slowed by the others...) I accept the motor skills flaws, but I would miss my brain sharpness. And I DO know the difference (or I DID) from when I was banged by that pick-up at age 10---oh, it was so clear to me then. I could FEEL the slowing. My grades were A's (even though I skipped school better than rope) but *I* could feel it.

I also used to "feel" it come back to warp-drive sometimes, like when I took my U.S. Postal Service Test. ZIP! First one done, out of over a thousand. Oh, the dirty glares I got when I turned my exam in. Such tests were games to me. Now? Not so much.

Normal aging or MS or Alzheimer's or all three? Three strikes--you're out! Decade of the brain my ass. That TIME magazine cover got me all excited--bah humbug. I gotta hand it to brain researchers though---the brain studying the brain, how weird is that? I wonder if THEY test themselves. "Count backwards from 100 by 3," the doctor told my mom. Yep, I do it every week. By 3, 5, 7, do the doctors do it too? Isn't it like trying to know if you are mentally ill?

Do you ever do this questioning and testing of your brain? Would you if you and your family had no brain diseases? I guess I'm wondering...am I normal?