Mistake of Nature Here. I Should Not Have Been.

Flabbergasted, that's what I am. I feel like I am writing crap and people keep reading...is it the everyone poops theme? Okay, so I will continue to explore my shitty life.

As I have said before, my opinion is that I should never have been born. I am a freak of nature, a male trapped inside a female body, my brain forever screwed up. No one used to speak of this, but lately it is getting more attention, thanks to Cher. Yep, I said it. Sorry, Chaz.

While I am happy for Chaz's happiness, the truth is medical science has not figured out how to "fix" us yet; much like my MS. And for most people like me, there will be no "trans" for our gender, due to age, money, and the onset of other pressing health issues. Most of us live in silence, playing spy into the world of the opposite sex. (Funny, I STILL don't understand why women do what they do...) Like that baby born without a brain, maybe that baby gives growth opportunities to others, but if *I* were that baby I would be P-Oed (I can say shitty but not pissed, go figure) that selfish adults were using me. I wonder what the right to lifers think about this? They won't accept me for what I am, but insist I live. A riddle some mind greater than mine must answer.

Then there is the multiple sclerosis. The hits just keep coming! A chronic, progressive disease without a cure and no fix for MY nerve damage in sight. Fun times. Chuck my dreams of being an actress, being a psychologist, being a police officer (you heard me), running a marathon, nope, down the drain without any Draino required.

Oh, well, at least the worst is, oops, throw in cancer---more fun than I can handle! By age 40 I was on a roll. (straight down Mt. Everest) Cancer is a curious thing. There are many people living with cancer, with cancer removed and in remission, but if you have never HAD cancer I will tell you---IT NEVER LEAVES. You know just one itsy bitsy cell can, and statistically one day will, make more cancer in your body. Soooo...like having the wrong body, having MS, having cancer just becomes who you are. Oh, oh, oh, spin it, go ahead--"I may have MS, but MS doesn't have me!" Seriously? Just saying that contradicts the meaning. "I BEAT my cancer!" You BEAT it? Really? Define beat, "To have victory in contest," oh, oh, oh, the cancer was just a contest, I win because I am alive, like a gold medal at the Olympics---but just remember the Olympics come around every 4 years, new contests, and rare that victors repeat again and again, age pretty much stops all that glory. I'm just saying, cancer hangs around, whether in your mind or your yearly doctor appts. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Meanwhile, Bruce Jenner goes on to Botox, riches from endorsements (*I* never got on a box of Wheaties!), so, OK, if you want to spin it, OK, you beat cancer. Sure.

Then there is the love of my life. People feel forced to "cheer" (?) me up with that reminder that I am not in my life alone. Seriously, cash your reality check, she gets a physically screwed up partner, SHE suffers (and I'm not kidding, she SUFFERS) from her OWN diseases, her own DES Daughter, preemie, head-on car crash screwed up body too. Double the fun. Hit the SHARE button. We DO love each other so much that we WISH we didn't have to add our own crap on top of the already crappy pile that neither of us can do anything to change.

The cherry on my sundae is my family and friends. My family unit is dissolved. My mother is lonely in a nursing home 2,500 miles away with Alzheimer's. My closest friends are health compromised too. I live in a retirement home where somebody dies almost weekly. The sirens go right past my window, signalling another neighbor/friend is down for the count. Good times. I am 54, living in a place where the average age is 85, and my money for this luxury establishment (NO, Medicare does NOT pay for these places until I am broke, which looks to be coming way too soon.) is shrinking faster than the U.S. dollar. Yahoo.

So, yes, my life is a mess since the day I was born. Don't cry for me, Brazil, somebody had to get this slice of pie. I could be a starving child in Africa, as my mother would be fast to remind me. Well, MOM, their life sucks. I just happen to state that my life does as well. This COULDN'T have been meant to be. And what comes next? Don't tell me it can't get worse. I have heard that before. HA! Good times.