Bullies in Workplace, at Home, Everywhere

The new chef at my retirement/assisted living home is, in my opinion (and that of others), a bully. He has been here about six months, and I finally confronted him about it last week. His last rant with his staff was so overboard I was about to power-chair myself to the kitchen and give him a piece of my mind. Instead he presented an opportunity while he was verbally attacking a resident during her attempt to dine. I have heard he is a changed man since then. Regardless, it got me thinking about bullies.

When we hear the word, "bully," we tend to imagine school yards, and children to teens. I hope parents use such bullies as educational preparation for adult life, because bullies are everywhere.

There are effective ways to deal with bullies, the sooner we learn the better. I watch adults struggle with bullies, and let them 'get away with it.'

Just as is the case with children, the first step is to admit that you are being bullied. That is a very difficult step, because it feels like you have already failed. You look around and see you are the only one affected. NOT TRUE. Think about it, YOU are hiding how much you are being hurt, well, so are others. Once you accept that you are being bullied, the next step is to talk about it---strength in numbers.

Bullies get much of their power from the unscrupulous power of secrecy. "Tell and I'll____YOU!"  Telling is YOUR power over the bully.

Adults are bullied at their jobs and not necessarily by bosses, no, disgruntled co-workers can find many weak prey on the job, where bosses don't like to be bothered. Stealing lunches, interrupting at staff meetings, name calling, and in my instance, hitting.

Yes, I was in my scooter having just left the rest room, headed for the lobby, when the well-known bully passed me and HIT me on my front shoulder! She said not a word. I was shocked, even after all I knew of her antics over many years, that she would hit a woman with a disability---out of the blue! (Plus we were the ONLY out gay women there for years! She was pro-the little guy and all that liberal stuff to the max!) The first year I worked there she didn't speak to me for a YEAR. Every morning I gave her a cheery, "Good Morning," nothing. She walked around wearing headphones, ignoring anyone she deemed insignificant. After a few verbal assaults on me, I ignored her and we hadn't spoken in two years when she hit me. (TELL)

I went straight to my supervisor, after going around to people nearby and asking if they had seen her hit me---no one had or admitted they had. My boss was equally shocked, and told me she would handle it. A week passed. Nothing happened. In fact she was still bullying others in the area she worked in. (Our office was the length of an entire city block.) I went to my bosses boss. And let me stop right there---if I can impact any bit of wisdom on you, let it be this: EVERYONE HAS A BOSS.  (If your chain of command includes lovers, relatives, or buddies, then it gets trickier---but never undoable. If the bully is the owner's son of a Ma & Pa store, you may have to quit unless you have proven that your worth is greater than the bully. And if you are Harry, complaining about William, then you are SOL, but let's stick with the majority of bullies.)

My supervisor's boss did NOTHING. I wrote a letter (email) to our Human Resources Dept., then The Human Rights, this was a "Hate Crime," among other infractions. I used legal words and gave them a date to act, oh, and please advise Ms. Bully that the next time she lays a hand on me I am calling the police. THAT did the trick. NOBODY wanted a scandal a few floors from our mayor. 

A letter went out to all employees (over 3,000) about inappropriate behavior in the workplace. From the day she hit me to that action, I think a month passed. She was also suspended a few days. My name was not mentioned, but when it came out my co-workers were furious. I had MS! How dare she HIT me? It was brazen, even for her. But, so many layers *I* had to go through. I spoke to the police, located a few floors away...really, I was hoping she would strike me again and I could press charges for all those she had bullied over the years.  Drat.

An executive secretary I worked with at a previous job was very mousy, skittish. We got a new CEO and he was AWFUL to her. Loud and verbally abusive with curse words galore. I was certain she was about to crack. I befriended her, during our lunch break walkabout, she cried as she told me how her husband was so much like this new boss. It took her twenty years to get up the nerve to divorce him. (Or he died...I can't remember which, point is she 'took' it for years because she thought he must be right.)
When a bully attacks you verbally, personally, THEY ARE WRONG. A bully wouldn't accept the TRUTH if it was needed to open every door in life. Why? Because what makes you special is unattainable to them. Bullies thrive on jealousy and envy---fuels them.

When I was twelve, a school bully walked behind me on my way home from a park. Calling me fat, dumb, smelly, throwing stones and fallen apples at me along the way. I just ignored her. When one stone actually hit me, I turned abruptly with aggression. She jumped back in surprise. "Stop it," I growled. She kept following me, taunting, for maybe five more minutes, then she left.

In that moment, when she jumped back, I thought how scared she looked, how small. I wondered what her home life must be like to make her so mean. She was alone, I could have chased her down and beaten the crap out of her...but she looked so pathetic.

It is true of all bullies, just small, pathetic people, trying so hard to feel big and special. If I hugged that chef, I think he would cry. I KNOW he would. I sense his desperation to be special.

Bullies just go about it in the wrong way. IT IS ALWAYS WRONG TO BE A BULLY.