Feeling Blue

Lately I have felt, and by lately I mean the last 5 days, that I am spinning my wheels and going nowhere fast. You ever feel that way?

Probably we all do from time to time, but I just can't shake the feeling. The speed of time is bugging me, it is almost the end of January. To children, time moves so slow---how do they do that? Not only does their time move slow, but they have so much more of it. Unless, of course, like my two uncles, they die before 14.

Yes, I am also a bit under the blues lately. I took some big moves recently, one was admitting that an old friendship was over. Oh, sure, I could have let things just dwindle along, trickling memories until one of us died, but (Oh, please somebody stop me from using the coming cliche'.) HEY, a miracle, now that was a miracle, I completely have gone blank on what I wanted to write. To whomever I owe the thanks, thank you. 

Perhaps I care too much about the trappings of friendship. You know, loyalty, some type of keeping in touch, FUN, all that surface stuff. Maybe it is enough to just say, "That is my friend." Unfortunately, I am not feeling like that lately.

My state of affairs, having a progressive disease without a cure, is bumming me out...lately. I mean, seriously, how LONG do I have to "stay positive?" Haven't I done my time? Paid my dues? 2013, another year of doctors, physical therapy, buying some new MS prop, looking at my ever lowering balance sheet, thinking about my slowly dying dreams of just a few years ago...it seems.

Tired of waiting for something wonderful to happen. My mother was right when she told me some 45 years ago, "Nothing wonderful is going to happen," and "You will never be an actress," but she was dead wrong when she told me 22 years ago that, "Things will start getting better. They can only go up from here." WRONG

Poor mom, I wonder how long she kept hoping that. Her life pretty much sucked too. Now she is in her nursing home Alzheimer's unit, just waiting for the end. Would you believe she never had a friend in her entire life? Maybe one when she worked at the telephone company, but they only got together a few times outside of work, for maybe a year. Carmen, her name was Carmen. Oh, and there was a gay guy, they went to a gay bar once---that was the extent of their friendship. Just think, my MOM went to a gay bar before I ever did! Oh, and in her diary she mentioned a friend...in 1935.

Genes, I'll probably get Alzheimer's one day---I mean, my brain is already filled with plaque and holes and God knows what. Oh well, live for today, right? And we have come back to the beginning. I'm spinning my wheels going nowhere. I'm a bored hamster on a hamster wheel, at least he got a wheel named after him.